saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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