I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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