mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
3pm strippers are depressing
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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