I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
