Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
