Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
