My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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