I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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