Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
