Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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