I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
