Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
