Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
