You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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