I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
