what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
