Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
