I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
