im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
