What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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