I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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