i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
