i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
