She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
