there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
