I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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