remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Holy shit dude........stairs
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
