Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
