I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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