Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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