oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
