Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
