When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
