I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
