I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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