Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
