My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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