I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
