hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
