and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
