I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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