I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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