My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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