NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
