In America we eat man semen.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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