The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
