the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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