I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
