It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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