end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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