just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
